The gender problem
Thursday, November 17, 2016,10:41 PM
I thought I was a male. I really thought so. But the construct of gender might elude me now in recent times. I begin to self-diagnose myself to becoming bipolar in nature, or even borderline personality disorder, because I seem to have extreme sides in handling my social competence. At one moment, I can be the friendliest of guy and talk to everything and everyone laughing like I can be the joke of the century, and then at another 2 weeks or so later, I feel like I should let loose the hidden angry within me and vent out on everyone that became close to me.
Then it came to me. What I said had meaning. What I said was exactly what puzzled men all these years and for many generations. And I think it had became apparent to me that I was becoming, slightly ever, more feminine. I was saying and doing the opposite things that I had wanted! I say to leave me alone and I needed time off, but in actual face, I needed someone by my side the most. And yet, I was so ready to push off whatever little help I had and whatever help that came my way.
This contradiction came to me at a weird time, and I thought that I should really document this down for future reference. How could it be, that men can also say and do things they don't mean. Correction: How can I say and do things I don't mean, when I am obviously to myself, a straightforward person.
In the first place, this idea of doing something opposite of what your heart desires didn't had a gender stereotype attached to it. It was a coping mechanism, a rather feminine one to be exact, because people of the female gender seem to use it more often than men. Men rather, vent out fustration and indulge in self-harm to cope more often than females. Which then resulted in the scenario painted here with my conundrum.
Lately, I haven been consulting my old buddy for help. I have'nt drank much since the leftover redwine from my sister's wedding, and I haven't really let my lips taste whisky for a long time. Perhaps this is some sort of withdrawal symptoms? Me destroying my social competence at a moment of angst, and wanting everything to end, because of the built-in fustration, the anger, the people around me, the hypocrisy, the retardedness, the fear within me. I think it largely stemmed from one main problem of my romantic life. I need to start facing reality, and stop worrying. I've been self-diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar, and I think I'm the least ready person now to be involved in any sort of relationship. And yet, in this controversial moment, it is when I need it the most. I wonder how many people actually make it out alive with this sort of mental battle and mental gymnastical feat, and can still emerge ontop stronger and even more than their previous self.
I myself, is still in the process of discovering my own mental state, which has become unstable at of lately. I've been fantasizing about alternate realities that might have happen, and secretly harbouring ill intentions of making everything sort according to my heuristic. What am I exactly talking about? Well, I'm talking about having my birthday coinciding with my grandmother's death anniversary. I've been thinking, it might actually make my birthdays to come the worst kind of days I would rather spend. Actually, am I over-reacting to my grandmother's death/impending doom.
NB: She is still on deathbed, and not dead, but dying. And I think time apart (with R) has made me feel really stupid and really love-deprived that I start making stupid and silly decisions. Probably because (S) has been making me fustrated with the sort of Oh. Okay. responses, and I somehow inside felt that it was unfair for people like me, not blessed with the beautiful-est of looks, to have to therefore work harder than people like (Him), in order to get the same amount of attention, amount of care and also amount of love.
Perhaps I am comparing myself too much to others.
I think I need some alone time. Seriously. The planned Indonesia trip was suppose to give me some time alone. To think about life, to think about whats important in my life, what my priorities are right now. But due to recent circumstances, everything has been a total mess. I have lost my direction in life and I think it has deeply impacted me to a large extent.
I need my alone time/someone to really accompany me/comfort and talk to me.
I am one confused and one, seriously mentally disturbed individual.
Depression
Wednesday, October 26, 2016,11:31 PM
I didnt know, I wasnt sure, when it started to pressure me that badly. I thought it was a regular thing that occured within a month for once every month; or so i thought and convinced myself it was, until I realised myself just how much hurt I could bring to others.
Yes, I thought that if I had always played the short-end of the stick guy, people would sympathise with me, would pity me and would eventually think or see things the way I wanted them to see. I was so dumb. I was so stupid. In the end, what resulted was just a whole mess of stuff that I thought happened to be one of the worst decisions I've made on the go. I'm talking about the mcdonald moment, the post-it you will read later moment, the "I think its easier for me, (and so) I shall distance myself from you, even though I thought this through for like the last 5 minutes of my mood swing moment", moment.
Right now, my direction is totally off course. I have no idea what to do with my current relationship with her, and neither do I secretly want to give up. Even though a part of me has resigned to the fate that I can never be together with her, ざんねんだから、かたおもいはじんせいのなかに、いちばんつらい、いちばんいたいのかんじるですが。
How did this happen? Why did it occur again, and with such a painful resemblence, with the same surname, with the same outcome, and even though i was so straightforward this time round, the answers didnt even changed, and it wasnt even less than satisfactory or pleasant to hear.
Did she really think that hearing me out would solve everything? That all those feelings that i had, would miraculously disappear because she accepted it, but decides that she cannot do anything and therefore "thanks but no thanks" me? I thought that one thing if i had learnt from Cindy's experience, was that my indecisiveness and beating around to wait for the other party to make the first move brought about my own downfall. Yes, it sheltered me from the fall and heartbrokenness when she went out with zt, but that feeling if assuredness I got from having to feel like its fate, or it can't be help, was what I regretted the most.
Yet, years, (6 years to be exact), even though i've changed that I thought I had more control in my own life, i was wrong. Doesnt mean that if I make a move, I would come out as the victor, or that things just HAVE to go my way. Fuck this shit, because life is hard. And I have to face this stupid brokenhearted feeling all over, and this time more vividly because on top of all the previous experienced feelings of rejection, I now get the bonus sufferring called fustration, which derived from me doing something this time round, but getting jack squat in return.
So, i tried to make the best out if it. Get more hugs, more alone time together, spend time talking, but what the hell man Kenneth. What exactly are you expecting to happen. Lifetime miracles only happen in USA, and not in a practical and realism world of Singapore. It doesnt matter if you do that much more, or you just lie in wait like that 10 years of youth you wasted, nothing ever comes out of these efforts you put in.
So why try right? Since she already said no, and that nothing will happen.
So i said those words, and then she cried. And then it hurt me even more. Like it was just hard for her, she started to take it the way that wasnt what i planned out for. Of course. Murphey shit laws. End up, i apologised so much, I lowered my value, and now, im stuck to my life in being a good friend to her, because that was what she wanted, to be just a good friend, and thats why I am being forced into, because i cannot NOT see her due to work, and I dont even want to do that in the first place. I thought that maybe if i distsnced myself, i can slowly learn to forget her, and move on. But no, when you have such a good opposite gender friend, you become an anchor, a forever alone icon of misfortune and shitty 好人 カード, and become stucked in this forever trap.
Life sucks. I cant get myself out of the friendzone. And so I want out of all the zones entirely. But she wont allow. So, what now? Advice anyone?
Yes, I thought that if I had always played the short-end of the stick guy, people would sympathise with me, would pity me and would eventually think or see things the way I wanted them to see. I was so dumb. I was so stupid. In the end, what resulted was just a whole mess of stuff that I thought happened to be one of the worst decisions I've made on the go. I'm talking about the mcdonald moment, the post-it you will read later moment, the "I think its easier for me, (and so) I shall distance myself from you, even though I thought this through for like the last 5 minutes of my mood swing moment", moment.
Right now, my direction is totally off course. I have no idea what to do with my current relationship with her, and neither do I secretly want to give up. Even though a part of me has resigned to the fate that I can never be together with her, ざんねんだから、かたおもいはじんせいのなかに、いちばんつらい、いちばんいたいのかんじるですが。
How did this happen? Why did it occur again, and with such a painful resemblence, with the same surname, with the same outcome, and even though i was so straightforward this time round, the answers didnt even changed, and it wasnt even less than satisfactory or pleasant to hear.
Did she really think that hearing me out would solve everything? That all those feelings that i had, would miraculously disappear because she accepted it, but decides that she cannot do anything and therefore "thanks but no thanks" me? I thought that one thing if i had learnt from Cindy's experience, was that my indecisiveness and beating around to wait for the other party to make the first move brought about my own downfall. Yes, it sheltered me from the fall and heartbrokenness when she went out with zt, but that feeling if assuredness I got from having to feel like its fate, or it can't be help, was what I regretted the most.
Yet, years, (6 years to be exact), even though i've changed that I thought I had more control in my own life, i was wrong. Doesnt mean that if I make a move, I would come out as the victor, or that things just HAVE to go my way. Fuck this shit, because life is hard. And I have to face this stupid brokenhearted feeling all over, and this time more vividly because on top of all the previous experienced feelings of rejection, I now get the bonus sufferring called fustration, which derived from me doing something this time round, but getting jack squat in return.
So, i tried to make the best out if it. Get more hugs, more alone time together, spend time talking, but what the hell man Kenneth. What exactly are you expecting to happen. Lifetime miracles only happen in USA, and not in a practical and realism world of Singapore. It doesnt matter if you do that much more, or you just lie in wait like that 10 years of youth you wasted, nothing ever comes out of these efforts you put in.
So why try right? Since she already said no, and that nothing will happen.
So i said those words, and then she cried. And then it hurt me even more. Like it was just hard for her, she started to take it the way that wasnt what i planned out for. Of course. Murphey shit laws. End up, i apologised so much, I lowered my value, and now, im stuck to my life in being a good friend to her, because that was what she wanted, to be just a good friend, and thats why I am being forced into, because i cannot NOT see her due to work, and I dont even want to do that in the first place. I thought that maybe if i distsnced myself, i can slowly learn to forget her, and move on. But no, when you have such a good opposite gender friend, you become an anchor, a forever alone icon of misfortune and shitty 好人 カード, and become stucked in this forever trap.
Life sucks. I cant get myself out of the friendzone. And so I want out of all the zones entirely. But she wont allow. So, what now? Advice anyone?
Tuesday, July 01, 2014,8:52 PM
Right. I confess. Sometimes I really do not know what to do. Its not like I did not put in some effort or not. Those efforts, they seem to go down the drain even before they are being manifested. I never saw the results of anything I do and never do I seem to get it 'right'. That's probably the worst part of my life.
So I've been doing a little soul searching and switching of targets around during my second year of university life. I realise I haven't got a clue at how to tackle this shit and to be honest, I always thought it would be great to leave it to university life before, because it just handles itself.
So wrong. So fucking wrong.
Nothing changes.
Lets not talk about stuff that is going to happen in July. Instead, lets change the pace and talk about June.
June! That is Pre camp Arts Camp, Pre camp Psych Camp, Taiwan, Arts Camp and Psych Camp! (not in that sequence.. Pre camp psych was in end May though)
Pretty amazing feet. After that 5 psychology modules I took during the semester though. Damn that was a really bad choice. Anyway here is a breakdown of my grades that semester.
3233: B-
3234: C+
3236: B-
3237: B+
3238: A-
Well for sure my cap dropped. And I'm on the verge of not being able to do honours. Well I need a cap of at least 3.5 to do those HON modules. But yea. Enough of that mistake. Lets talk about Psych camp!
Damn I think Psych camp was probably the best camp I ever had. I really need to thank a few people, especially Melvin for getting together this dream team. MI team, Abi and Harif, for their excellent work with MI of course! I cant say I trust people to do their job but this time round they really astound me and I really hope to work with them once again. Though through this time round it seems that work has brought both of them closer! =) Next, Clement and Boon Yen! Damn those 2 when put together is like a bad concoction. They could either score and amaze or really just down the slum kind. Haha. Working together as their logistics IC really made me feel so much better and safer because they were always on the ball and especially Clement. Yang & Ivana. Well I suppose this has got to come out one day. Yang was... especially admired for the most part and for the early part too. Actually that's the only time I remember him actually. Yang had a big role to play with his Games for bonding/Time attack/Corporate team building games/Photo Hunt/ I got no more names to come up with. Haha. He had the most 'mature' mindset and also he's a player?? Still, a heavy burden bestowed upon Ivana once Yang left. Which I blame myself for most part because I kind of 'push' her to take up that role. Seriously I thought it was a slightly lighter role! Sorry. Following up, Yun Ping. I could say if there was logistics stuff I wasn't handling, she would be the one handling then. Of course not discounting her role in MI logistics too which was terribly hard IMO. Still, we came to each other's help during the camp for stuff here and there and I honestly wish our relationship had grown deeper. Though that's probably again, wishful thinking of my part. (I kind of do that too much. Need to start controlling myself). Duc. He's.... okay. For most part, he seems to do much better alone and it sounds me for most part when doing work. I like to work alone preferably and I like to be in charge. *Brings in foreigner prejudice* but he's Vietnamese and so I admit once again I thought handling him the whole photo booth would be a terrible idea. Nonetheless, he had a decent idea of a photo booth and he did well. The design was great and I applaud him for the patch work from pre camp to actual camp. The rest, well you could probably name them off in the picture. Special thanks (just means I dont really thank you but I still want to say that without you guys, the camp isn't that all special. Thus the meaning of special thanks.) to Yin Shan, temporary sudden photo shots with her always ready camera. Vanessa, with her very liberal ideas of dating and advice? Russica, with their awkward but sweet relationship that adds flavour to Ocomm HTHT. Yi zhuang, CEO of RYCK, but still, kinda hard to talk to if I wasn't exhausting all my list of conversation topics. Ping Zheng; Ok this is probably my fault but I don't really see her doing much help for Melvin. Though I still thank her as a DPD. Jun Xian, my fellow OG mate, but seriously, he has to change my contact profile from 'Kenneth (William's OG)' to Kenneth Chew. Its been like 2 years. Not really here for most of the camp but still, thank you for handling money issues! Clarissa, for her slightly tomboyish comments, but always hilarious accent of Chinese people. That really hit the spot. Right. No mention goes to Jean. Well I have never talked to her but I heard she was part of the camp comm.
*Clap*Clap*
Anyway this isn't half over. Shit.
Arts camp! Well I would say I have to thank Luke for most part of it and Luke IS most part of it. I say and I directly quote "thankfully Luke hasn't had the experience of actual camps and that's why he is the perfect candidate for logistics. Because he doesn't know what's possible and what's not possible for a camp, and some of these amazing ideas came from him". Okay maybe not directly quote but the idea is there.
Doing thanking this time round for arts camp will probably tear my whole night out so im just going to quote this.
https://www.facebook.com/chen.zhirong.98/photos
There! I shamelessly linked Jenny's profile so that its faster to actually skim through 1000+ photos of the camp than to listen to me talk shamelessly. And as for my Taiwan trip. Well.. Lets just say I got bored of doing all these commentary stuff for overseas trip. I share and I dont really derive the same joy I got back ages. Actually it died down the moment I went on solo trip with Roger. Haha.
So here's my life in June. Hopefully July works out better and I may come back to post about it.
So I've been doing a little soul searching and switching of targets around during my second year of university life. I realise I haven't got a clue at how to tackle this shit and to be honest, I always thought it would be great to leave it to university life before, because it just handles itself.
So wrong. So fucking wrong.
Nothing changes.
Lets not talk about stuff that is going to happen in July. Instead, lets change the pace and talk about June.
June! That is Pre camp Arts Camp, Pre camp Psych Camp, Taiwan, Arts Camp and Psych Camp! (not in that sequence.. Pre camp psych was in end May though)
Pretty amazing feet. After that 5 psychology modules I took during the semester though. Damn that was a really bad choice. Anyway here is a breakdown of my grades that semester.
3233: B-
3234: C+
3236: B-
3237: B+
3238: A-
Well for sure my cap dropped. And I'm on the verge of not being able to do honours. Well I need a cap of at least 3.5 to do those HON modules. But yea. Enough of that mistake. Lets talk about Psych camp!
Damn I think Psych camp was probably the best camp I ever had. I really need to thank a few people, especially Melvin for getting together this dream team. MI team, Abi and Harif, for their excellent work with MI of course! I cant say I trust people to do their job but this time round they really astound me and I really hope to work with them once again. Though through this time round it seems that work has brought both of them closer! =) Next, Clement and Boon Yen! Damn those 2 when put together is like a bad concoction. They could either score and amaze or really just down the slum kind. Haha. Working together as their logistics IC really made me feel so much better and safer because they were always on the ball and especially Clement. Yang & Ivana. Well I suppose this has got to come out one day. Yang was... especially admired for the most part and for the early part too. Actually that's the only time I remember him actually. Yang had a big role to play with his Games for bonding/Time attack/Corporate team building games/Photo Hunt/ I got no more names to come up with. Haha. He had the most 'mature' mindset and also he's a player?? Still, a heavy burden bestowed upon Ivana once Yang left. Which I blame myself for most part because I kind of 'push' her to take up that role. Seriously I thought it was a slightly lighter role! Sorry. Following up, Yun Ping. I could say if there was logistics stuff I wasn't handling, she would be the one handling then. Of course not discounting her role in MI logistics too which was terribly hard IMO. Still, we came to each other's help during the camp for stuff here and there and I honestly wish our relationship had grown deeper. Though that's probably again, wishful thinking of my part. (I kind of do that too much. Need to start controlling myself). Duc. He's.... okay. For most part, he seems to do much better alone and it sounds me for most part when doing work. I like to work alone preferably and I like to be in charge. *Brings in foreigner prejudice* but he's Vietnamese and so I admit once again I thought handling him the whole photo booth would be a terrible idea. Nonetheless, he had a decent idea of a photo booth and he did well. The design was great and I applaud him for the patch work from pre camp to actual camp. The rest, well you could probably name them off in the picture. Special thanks (just means I dont really thank you but I still want to say that without you guys, the camp isn't that all special. Thus the meaning of special thanks.) to Yin Shan, temporary sudden photo shots with her always ready camera. Vanessa, with her very liberal ideas of dating and advice? Russica, with their awkward but sweet relationship that adds flavour to Ocomm HTHT. Yi zhuang, CEO of RYCK, but still, kinda hard to talk to if I wasn't exhausting all my list of conversation topics. Ping Zheng; Ok this is probably my fault but I don't really see her doing much help for Melvin. Though I still thank her as a DPD. Jun Xian, my fellow OG mate, but seriously, he has to change my contact profile from 'Kenneth (William's OG)' to Kenneth Chew. Its been like 2 years. Not really here for most of the camp but still, thank you for handling money issues! Clarissa, for her slightly tomboyish comments, but always hilarious accent of Chinese people. That really hit the spot. Right. No mention goes to Jean. Well I have never talked to her but I heard she was part of the camp comm.
*Clap*Clap*
Anyway this isn't half over. Shit.
Arts camp! Well I would say I have to thank Luke for most part of it and Luke IS most part of it. I say and I directly quote "thankfully Luke hasn't had the experience of actual camps and that's why he is the perfect candidate for logistics. Because he doesn't know what's possible and what's not possible for a camp, and some of these amazing ideas came from him". Okay maybe not directly quote but the idea is there.
Doing thanking this time round for arts camp will probably tear my whole night out so im just going to quote this.
https://www.facebook.com/chen.zhirong.98/photos
There! I shamelessly linked Jenny's profile so that its faster to actually skim through 1000+ photos of the camp than to listen to me talk shamelessly. And as for my Taiwan trip. Well.. Lets just say I got bored of doing all these commentary stuff for overseas trip. I share and I dont really derive the same joy I got back ages. Actually it died down the moment I went on solo trip with Roger. Haha.
So here's my life in June. Hopefully July works out better and I may come back to post about it.
Birthday Boy!
Sunday, November 17, 2013,11:29 PM
I wonder how many of you would come over to my blog to read it. Especially on my special day! Well there's not going to be anything special about it but it would really show how much effort and appreciation you have for me. If so do leave your mark on my "not so already" rotting tagboard.
Right! Lets start blogging. First off, i need to get off my chest is FFXIV:ARR. That stands for Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn. Well technically, this is Version 2.0 of the original FF14 series. Why 2.0 you ask? Well its because in the first version, this was a MMORPG game that was a multiplatform game. Meaning, you could play it with PS3 or with a computer. Logically speaking, a computer offers much more freedom and dexterity over the mouse cursor and keyboard. Playing it on a controller beats that of a mouse with more feel but if its a MMO i would go with traditional Key and mouse. So, because of this multi-platform function, there were lots of glitches and bugs on how this game had hinged greatly on PS3. Meaning menu cursor was slow on computer, there were a lot of restrictions etc etc.. UI was terribly catered to PS3 and the list goes on.
1.0 Eventually came to a point whereby the Original FF14 game producer team couldnt handle it anymore and decides to shutdown the servers. And so came the epic Meteor (The story which would tide over from 1.0 to 2.0).
With the end of Final Fantasy XIV 1.0, and the fall of Dalamud, a period known as the Seventh Umbral Era has started. The unleashing of Bahamut has destroyed much of the land, and numerous other dark omens signal great suffering to come. The Realm Reborn relaunch takes place in this Seventh Umbral Era.
Well, the cinematics for this was really well done and i could say Naoki Yoshida really did a number on this game. He thought what other people couldnt and fixed the original mindsets we all harboured for traditional MMORPGs. The scrapping of one to the other and thus far creating that emotional gap which was filled in with 2.0 after much turmoil over its failure. Well that was just me saying how good he was but basically he brought back to life the game.
So 2.0 is where i started playing. The game came out in around August 17 2013. Well 1.0 was back in September 2010.. Wow thats easily 3 years ago and the fall of Dalamud only until 11 November 2012. So there you go, a time line!
Well to further elaborate on how awesomely done FF14 was, i'm going to post a video which i hope you will take a look at it at the end of this post. Just give it you 20 minutes to watch it. I promise it will be good. =)
Next i wanna talk about is the 3rd installment of the Madoka movie, The Rebellion. Ah yes, another of Gen Urobochi's works. His story never fails to put people in the feel of hope which that false hope will soon rear its ugly head and show u darkness and devastation you have never seen. Yup. Urobochi's famous for all these dark stories which might look like it's catered towards teenagers? But no. Its for adults. The deep dark power reigning in his words bring about a world which makes you want to bleed for him and send urself hurling towards the messiah of all evil. Kyubey, his icon for all the world's mischevious devilish creature that came in the form of a part rabbit part ??? which offers contracts to young girls to be magical girls and fight witches at the price of giving them a wish. One wish and they would be bound by contract to battle in the realm of witches for life until they die. Or do they?
Madokami's choice is seen to have made it such that her existence was no longer present in the past or any possible futures to come. She had became a law of the universe, a concept for all. Whoops. Any futher and i would have spoilt the movie for u. But the Rebellion as the 3rd arc of the Madoka series shows Homura's defiance against being saved. It was such a touching story and that in the end, Madoka's effort had only cause to create the perfect nemesis for herself in which is the embodiment of her best friend, her only form of relationship she still had lingering in the universe. Ugh.. I want to say so much more but words lose me, and i cant really spoil you guys too much without saying out the whole story line. Anyways, i shall stop here as it's about to approach 12midnight. Yes. The time is nigh, for it will be my 22nd birthday!
Lastly, i hope you spare 20minutes of you time watching the video. And if possible, chat me up and we could discuss either of topics i mentioned here! =) Till then, i have a feeling only Xian Feng will read this. So XF, if you are reading this, do watch Madoka movie, or at least try playing a MMORPG besides maplestory. HAAHAHA!
Wednesday, June 05, 2013,5:22 PM
Deep prejudice. I hate how europeans always want to group us Singaporeans as part of china. Its not even funny and not so much of a racial humor.
I guess it finally hit me when they replied my ticket on the IP block on Tera EU. I'm from freaking PRC? Not that i hate PRC that much but wtf is going on and why the sudden idiocratical nonsensical business? I hate country-limited games. Games that are not cross-borders, developed for own country's consumption and use. What the fuck is in the mind of gameforge? Is the european community enough for you? Then go fuck urself with the burden of greece. Not screw up every single thing others are trying their best to work out of.
Same goes with C9 piece of junk. I can only think back and contemplate how much time i wasted on these games. Or not really wasted, because they got me through time i would have wasted if not for them. Nevertheless, tera eu got me through the 2nd semester of year 1.. And it was so much fun playing it during the finals period. I just knew how much i studied and could play freely. And it turns out my grades were within expectation.
On a lighter note everytime i end off, my CAP has improved! Not like yuan kang's 5.0 perfect score.. but yea.. Slowly making my way up the ladder to at least a 2nd upper honors. =) Next semester might be alittle rush, or heavy. I might have to take up 3/4 core mods just so i can catch up with the others because i took too many electives because i couldn't bit for the core mods last sem. But it turned out good! because last sem's cognitive psychology was bad. And looks like i can take it this sem. Provided i get a better lecturer. Hahaha. Gotta buy the textbook still, because the one the previous batch used was pretty much useless and ridiculous so i heard.
=00 Game of thrones sure is a shocker. Hahahaha! The build up to the red wedding was sure mind blowing and painfully shocking, especially the part where the freys stabbed robb stark's wife in the belly multiple times. OMGOMG. =) Season Finale coming soon!!! Yea...
"If you think that this has a happy ending, you haven't been paying attention!"
I guess it finally hit me when they replied my ticket on the IP block on Tera EU. I'm from freaking PRC? Not that i hate PRC that much but wtf is going on and why the sudden idiocratical nonsensical business? I hate country-limited games. Games that are not cross-borders, developed for own country's consumption and use. What the fuck is in the mind of gameforge? Is the european community enough for you? Then go fuck urself with the burden of greece. Not screw up every single thing others are trying their best to work out of.
Same goes with C9 piece of junk. I can only think back and contemplate how much time i wasted on these games. Or not really wasted, because they got me through time i would have wasted if not for them. Nevertheless, tera eu got me through the 2nd semester of year 1.. And it was so much fun playing it during the finals period. I just knew how much i studied and could play freely. And it turns out my grades were within expectation.
On a lighter note everytime i end off, my CAP has improved! Not like yuan kang's 5.0 perfect score.. but yea.. Slowly making my way up the ladder to at least a 2nd upper honors. =) Next semester might be alittle rush, or heavy. I might have to take up 3/4 core mods just so i can catch up with the others because i took too many electives because i couldn't bit for the core mods last sem. But it turned out good! because last sem's cognitive psychology was bad. And looks like i can take it this sem. Provided i get a better lecturer. Hahaha. Gotta buy the textbook still, because the one the previous batch used was pretty much useless and ridiculous so i heard.
=00 Game of thrones sure is a shocker. Hahahaha! The build up to the red wedding was sure mind blowing and painfully shocking, especially the part where the freys stabbed robb stark's wife in the belly multiple times. OMGOMG. =) Season Finale coming soon!!! Yea...
"If you think that this has a happy ending, you haven't been paying attention!"
Monday, May 20, 2013,11:25 PM
somehow i knew. or maybe i knew too much and thus this inevitable fate awaits me. i should have know that people werent that much of a kind or empathic person. nevertheless, part of me had to place trust in them, in what i call brothers and sisters. though... not so much of blood related, i always hold then so close to myself i sometimes forget who i should have priortise instead of them. still, i can only blame myself for being suh a guillable person and too easily accepting whats given in from of me. sure. i always end up making the same mistakes.
They say if u make the wrong choice the frst time, the second time its no longer a mistake but a choice. what seems to me as a choice is now much more of a habit. a habit to trust others because of my own incompetence and a habit of laziness because why do something yourself when others are willing to help. still, i wanted to take advantage of this help because that is what humans do. then take advantage and plot against each other. they backstab and at the end of the day nothing comes out but mistrust and blood. i know my solution to this. i have to take initiative and start something immediately. but what are the incentives?? making it possible over a fortnight is such a close yet unsurmountable feat.
till now, i must apologise to SPA for not coming for the short gathering. though im sure non of them read this, it does make me feel better knowing that one day this might reach you guys.
Sorry to R3 for not being able to attend outings especially the post exam one which i knew u guys were anticipating so much after this strenuous semester. not beig able to join u guys was a choice i made to go along with hanging out with 3 others and not you guys. still, i doubt it would be anymore enjoyable considering the previous one we had. :X so its... inevitable? and furthermore, i seem to have blacklisted myself in the group by making careless ad insensible remarks at untimly situations. oh well. but the group members dont really notice my feelings so i'm guessing that it doesnt really matter that much to them or not if i was a nuisance to them.
i have to remember to commit myself not to start exaggerating certain issues within my head. i tend to glorify things because i feel that they are of inportance to me and they therefore must be great. dammit i have to keep in mind that not everyone has the same mentality as me.
finally, let us talk about recent issues. work yes. though i have talked about it already above, thats just one aspect of it that i wanted to throw out there. seems like work starts tomorrow and i am to wear berms and a tshirt? strange as it is working and i'm wearing short pants. alright, i'll comply but i gotta see if it was really the case. the reporting time is 1130 instead of the prementioned 10am. not sure why the delay but i'm guessing they are up to some pre-opening procedure. so yea i'm really fine with that.
man its been a long dsy and its 1120 already. i'm not sleeping anytime soon because i fell asleep this afternoon out of fatigue from games. i seem to hold more value in playing games that interactions with prople. though people say that we need to at least talk to peopel and get our problems out there, i rather be that castaphobic guy who sits by himself and be a introvert. ;) nothing wrong and no one to say so otherwise.
so, here i sign off after s much pointless ranting. i do hope what i write actually reach some audience out there.
They say if u make the wrong choice the frst time, the second time its no longer a mistake but a choice. what seems to me as a choice is now much more of a habit. a habit to trust others because of my own incompetence and a habit of laziness because why do something yourself when others are willing to help. still, i wanted to take advantage of this help because that is what humans do. then take advantage and plot against each other. they backstab and at the end of the day nothing comes out but mistrust and blood. i know my solution to this. i have to take initiative and start something immediately. but what are the incentives?? making it possible over a fortnight is such a close yet unsurmountable feat.
till now, i must apologise to SPA for not coming for the short gathering. though im sure non of them read this, it does make me feel better knowing that one day this might reach you guys.
Sorry to R3 for not being able to attend outings especially the post exam one which i knew u guys were anticipating so much after this strenuous semester. not beig able to join u guys was a choice i made to go along with hanging out with 3 others and not you guys. still, i doubt it would be anymore enjoyable considering the previous one we had. :X so its... inevitable? and furthermore, i seem to have blacklisted myself in the group by making careless ad insensible remarks at untimly situations. oh well. but the group members dont really notice my feelings so i'm guessing that it doesnt really matter that much to them or not if i was a nuisance to them.
i have to remember to commit myself not to start exaggerating certain issues within my head. i tend to glorify things because i feel that they are of inportance to me and they therefore must be great. dammit i have to keep in mind that not everyone has the same mentality as me.
finally, let us talk about recent issues. work yes. though i have talked about it already above, thats just one aspect of it that i wanted to throw out there. seems like work starts tomorrow and i am to wear berms and a tshirt? strange as it is working and i'm wearing short pants. alright, i'll comply but i gotta see if it was really the case. the reporting time is 1130 instead of the prementioned 10am. not sure why the delay but i'm guessing they are up to some pre-opening procedure. so yea i'm really fine with that.
man its been a long dsy and its 1120 already. i'm not sleeping anytime soon because i fell asleep this afternoon out of fatigue from games. i seem to hold more value in playing games that interactions with prople. though people say that we need to at least talk to peopel and get our problems out there, i rather be that castaphobic guy who sits by himself and be a introvert. ;) nothing wrong and no one to say so otherwise.
so, here i sign off after s much pointless ranting. i do hope what i write actually reach some audience out there.
Sunday, April 28, 2013,1:17 PM
Wee.. Wow. Learning bike is a thrill! Cant believe i didn't learn it so much earlier. Though i probably hate wearing those wet knee and elbow guards.. Imagine the sweat from the previous guy.. Wtf... And all the knee and elbow guards are always broken or half-torn here etc. Wished they could have just bought new guards... instead of just making us wear them so they dont have to replace it.
And... Today of all days it just had to rain big. And i meant big. Flash Floods ard sg and in Woodlands, it rained only during 10am to 12pm. When i so happen to have my bike lessons...
So anyway, exams are coming up soon. 2/3/4/6 May and i'm done with year 1! And most of my female friends are done with university, going on grad trips and maybe enjoying life before starting work like 1-2years later. =X Man i want to get my bike license soon. =)
And... Today of all days it just had to rain big. And i meant big. Flash Floods ard sg and in Woodlands, it rained only during 10am to 12pm. When i so happen to have my bike lessons...
So anyway, exams are coming up soon. 2/3/4/6 May and i'm done with year 1! And most of my female friends are done with university, going on grad trips and maybe enjoying life before starting work like 1-2years later. =X Man i want to get my bike license soon. =)