Then it came to me. What I said had meaning. What I said was exactly what puzzled men all these years and for many generations. And I think it had became apparent to me that I was becoming, slightly ever, more feminine. I was saying and doing the opposite things that I had wanted! I say to leave me alone and I needed time off, but in actual face, I needed someone by my side the most. And yet, I was so ready to push off whatever little help I had and whatever help that came my way. 

This contradiction came to me at a weird time, and I thought that I should really document this down for future reference. How could it be, that men can also say and do things they don't mean. Correction: How can I say and do things I don't mean, when I am obviously to myself, a straightforward person.

In the first place, this idea of doing something opposite of what your heart desires didn't had a gender stereotype attached to it. It was a coping mechanism, a rather feminine one to be exact, because people of the female gender seem to use it more often than men. Men rather, vent out fustration and  indulge in self-harm to cope more often than females. Which then resulted in the scenario painted here with my conundrum.

Lately, I haven been consulting my old buddy for help. I have'nt drank much since the leftover redwine from my sister's wedding, and I haven't really let my lips taste whisky for a long time. Perhaps this is some sort of withdrawal symptoms? Me destroying my social competence at a moment of angst, and wanting everything to end, because of the built-in fustration, the anger, the people around me, the hypocrisy, the retardedness, the fear within me. I think it largely stemmed from one main problem of my romantic life. I need to start facing reality, and stop worrying. I've been self-diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar, and I think I'm the least ready person now to be involved in any sort of relationship. And yet, in this controversial moment, it is when I need it the most. I wonder how many people actually make it out alive with this sort of mental battle and mental gymnastical feat, and can still emerge ontop stronger and even more than their previous self. 

I myself, is still in the process of discovering my own mental state, which has become unstable at of lately. I've been fantasizing about alternate realities that might have happen, and secretly harbouring ill intentions of making everything sort according to my heuristic. What am I exactly talking about? Well, I'm talking about having my birthday coinciding with my grandmother's death anniversary. I've been thinking, it might actually make my birthdays to come the worst kind of days I would rather spend. Actually, am I over-reacting to my grandmother's death/impending doom. 

NB: She is still on deathbed, and not dead, but dying. And I think time apart (with R) has made me feel really stupid and really love-deprived that I start making stupid and silly decisions. Probably because (S) has been making me fustrated with the sort of Oh. Okay. responses, and I somehow inside felt that it was unfair for people like me, not blessed with the beautiful-est of looks, to have to therefore work harder than people like (Him), in order to get the same amount of attention, amount of care and also amount of love.

Perhaps I am comparing myself too much to others. 

I think I need some alone time. Seriously. The planned Indonesia trip was suppose to give me some time alone. To think about life, to think about whats important in my life, what my priorities are right now. But due to recent circumstances, everything has been a total mess. I have lost my direction in life and I think it has deeply impacted me to a large extent. 

I need my alone time/someone to really accompany me/comfort and talk to me.

I am one confused and one, seriously mentally disturbed individual.