I didnt know, I wasnt sure, when it started to pressure me that badly. I thought it was a regular thing that occured within a month for once every month; or so i thought and convinced myself it was, until I realised myself just how much hurt I could bring to others.

Yes, I thought that if I had always played the short-end of the stick guy, people would sympathise with me, would pity me and would eventually think or see things the way I wanted them to see. I was so dumb. I was so stupid. In the end, what resulted was just a whole mess of stuff that I thought happened to be one of the worst decisions I've made on the go. I'm talking about the mcdonald moment, the post-it you will read later moment, the "I think its easier for me, (and so) I shall distance myself from you, even though I thought this through for like the last 5 minutes of my mood swing moment", moment.

Right now, my direction is totally off course. I have no idea what to do with my current relationship with her, and neither do I secretly want to give up. Even though a part of me has resigned to the fate that I can never be together with her, ざんねんだから、かたおもいはじんせいのなかに、いちばんつらい、いちばんいたいのかんじるですが。

How did this happen? Why did it occur again, and with such a painful resemblence, with the same surname, with the same outcome, and even though i was so straightforward this time round, the answers didnt even changed, and it wasnt even less than satisfactory or pleasant to hear.

Did she really think that hearing me out would solve everything? That all those feelings that i had, would miraculously disappear because she accepted it, but decides that she cannot do anything and therefore "thanks but no thanks" me? I thought that one thing if i had learnt from Cindy's experience, was that my indecisiveness and beating around to wait for the other party to make the first move brought about my own downfall. Yes, it sheltered me from the fall and heartbrokenness when she went out with zt, but that feeling if assuredness I got from having to feel like its fate, or it can't be help, was what I regretted the most.

Yet, years, (6 years to be exact), even though i've changed that I thought I had more control in my own life, i was wrong. Doesnt mean that if I make a move, I would come out as the victor, or that things just HAVE to go my way. Fuck this shit, because life is hard. And I have to face this stupid brokenhearted feeling all over, and this time more vividly because on top of all the previous experienced feelings of rejection, I now get the bonus sufferring called fustration, which derived from me doing something this time round, but getting jack squat in return.

So, i tried to make the best out if it. Get more hugs, more alone time together, spend time talking, but what the hell man Kenneth. What exactly are you expecting to happen. Lifetime miracles only happen in USA, and not in a practical and realism world of Singapore. It doesnt matter if you do that much more, or you just lie in wait like that 10 years of youth you wasted, nothing ever comes out of these efforts you put in.

So why try right? Since she already said no, and that nothing will happen.

So i said those words, and then she cried. And then it hurt me even more. Like it was just hard for her, she started to take it the way that wasnt what i planned out for. Of course. Murphey shit laws. End up, i apologised so much, I lowered my value, and now, im stuck to my life in being a good friend to her, because that was what she wanted, to be just a good friend, and thats why I am being forced into, because i cannot NOT see her due to work, and I dont even want to do that in the first place. I thought that maybe if i distsnced myself, i can slowly learn to forget her, and move on. But no, when you have such a good opposite gender friend, you become an anchor, a forever alone icon of misfortune and shitty 好人 カード, and become stucked in this forever trap.

Life sucks. I cant get myself out of the friendzone. And so I want out of all the zones entirely. But she wont allow. So, what now? Advice anyone?